Final Fantasy R
by Aire Tame Guh
Summary: An AntiAeris boy is inserted into Final Fantasy 7 Disc one. Can he cope when his friends are integrated into the game, and his worst nightmare falls in love with him?


1  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
I do not own Final Fantasy 7's storylines, plots, or characters; only a copy of the game. Final Fantasy 7 is © Squaresoft 1997. I do, however, own Rocket Air, which is my own manga work (it hasn't been published yet, but it soon will be, hopefully).This means that this isn't DJ as in myself, it is a complete different reality in which DJ has 50 busty girlfriends. If I ever mean myself personally, I will be referred to as "I", but DJ the character will always be in third-person tense. Anyway, enough talk. Let's get the show on the road!  
  
2 Chapter One  
  
'Oh, my Gawd, doesn't this girl EVER shut up?' DJ thought. DJ was just chilling in his room, playing Final Fantasy 7 on his brand new PS2 that he'd bought on June 17th. DJ was 16 years old, with green eyes and black, spiky hair, and right now he was pretty damn annoyed. DJ's friend Debbie McGarry, who was 11 years old, with brown hair (with blonde streaks) and hazel eyes, was forever suggesting different attacks for DJ to use, even though he knew exactly what to do in order to win. But it wasn't Debbie who DJ wished would shut up. His mother Maureen, a woman with brown hair and blue eyes, had been bugging him to clean his room for quite some time. But even she hadn't annoyed him to this present point. There was a girl who was very, VERY annoying in his sights. Pink. Giggly. Childish. Hypocritical. Annoying. All these expressions could be described to DJ in two words:  
  
Aeris Gainsborough.  
  
Throughout his game on Final Fantasy 7 DJ had hated Aeris. He laughed at the start when she was knocked over. He made Cloud tell her to get out of there. Later on in the game he told Aeris she was the slum drunk. None of this was enough for DJ, however. Not even deliberately attacking her provided enough satisfaction. "DJ, why do you keep attacking Aeris?" Debbie asked. "She's on your team!"  
  
" 'cos she's a cow!" DJ replied. "She's annoying, I hate her, and err…… I hate her!" DJ imagined Cloud slashing his Buster Sword through Aeris' torso, and Tifa punching her head off and feeding it to Red XIII… then he imagined Red losing his lunch after eating it. DJ laughed as he thought this.  
  
"DJ what are you laughing at?" Debbie asked.  
  
"I was just thinking of ways for Aeris to die…" It seemed pretty obvious that DJ was an Anti-Aeris. He'd visit all the Anti-Aeris sites, deliberately attack Aeris in the game, make Aeris attack herself, say all the nasty things to Aeris, you name it; he did it. Of course, when Aeris died, it actually pissed DJ off. I mean, you're so close to killing Aeris yourself, and then Sephiroth goes and does it! You'd be mad too!  
  
Anyway, that night DJ had a strange dream. He was completely surrounded by mist, and the only person with him was a tall figure with long, silver hair.  
  
"What the-?" DJ asked. "Who are you?" The figure turned to face DJ with cold, green eyes. Nowhere near like the friendliness of the shade of green in DJ's eyes.  
  
"I am the rightful heir to the entire planet…" he spoke. "I have chosen what I want for you, but I have not yet chosen a time…" DJ looked very puzzled.  
  
"What do you mean? What do you want with me?" DJ asked. He tried walking forward, but he couldn't move an inch.  
  
"What you played before shall soon play YOU. However, only one part shall be open to you. Reality shall be altered in order to achieve full fluidity with your surroundings, and if you make the right moves, everything shall proceed as normal…" The figure started to fade away. DJ tried to reach out to him.  
  
"Wait!!" he called. "What are you talking about? Could you repeat that last, err…. Paragraph or so? Sephiroth!!"  
  
"Who's Sephiroth?"  
  
DJ opened his eyes to find himself in his bed. 'Must have been a dream… damn weird dream…' DJ looked around for who woke him up. It was Amy Ziromohama, a bright, happy, bouncy and overall cheerful girl. She was 16, had short black hair (about 1 centimetre away from her shoulders), gold eyes and unimaginably massive breasts.  
  
"A-Amy? How are you?" DJ asked.  
  
"I'm OK." Amy replied. "You must have been having a pretty messed up dream… so, who's Sephiroth?" Of course, Amy didn't know a thing about Final Fantasy. She only knew of Tifa Lockheart, whom she thought looked quite similar to her.  
  
"It doesn't matter. After all, it was just a weird dream. Must have pigged out on too many chilidogs last night…" DJ got up, and started getting dressed. Of course, he didn't mind Amy watching him. After all, he watched her get dressed all the time.  
  
"So, you're sure you're not thinking about another woman?" Amy asked. "I mean, a woman that ISN'T a RocketGirl?" DJ and his friends were kind of extraordinary humans, known as Rockets. DJ was a RocketGuy, while his 50 girlfriends were all RocketGirls. The RocketGirls had made a pact to share DJ without jealousy, but it is uncertain how they'd feel about a regular girl. Or how DJ would, for that matter.  
  
"Amy, Sephiroth's a guy." DJ replied. "Besides, I love all of you-"  
  
*After a long sleep----------the time-------time is now.*  
  
"-You know that I'll always love you. There's absolutely no other type of girl for me. In fact, sticking to the subject. I could just stand here, stare into your beautiful big eyes and hold you for all eternity! I know some people complain about your breast size, and I don't mean to be a perv, but Hell, I like 'em!" Suddenly, DJ realised that he wasn't staring into Amy's eyes. In fact, he was standing in front of a completely different person. Big, brown hair… green eyes… a huge pink bow in her hair… DJ sure was puzzled. He took a look at the body of the girl… pink dress… red jacket… a lot of cleavage… not much breast, though. Only an A-cup. Only four buttons on her dress were done up; the top three were undone, and the bottom seven were as well. She was smiling sweetly, and fluttering her eyelashes. '…………oh, dear God………..' DJ thought.  
  
3 Chapter Two  
  
"Excuse me… tee-hee" she smiled. "What just happened."  
  
"I am not sure…" DJ replied. He knew what was going on, so he had to get the girl away from him. "Umm… you'd better get out of here…"  
  
"Really? I'm not sure what's going on… But all right." With that, she went on her way further into the slums. DJ fell backwards and sat on the cold, hard pavement.  
  
"Goddammit… I know who that was… it was Aeris…. Wasn't it?" DJ asked himself. "Now I know what's going on here! I could have sworn I heard Sephiroth say 'the time is now'!" DJ stood up and walked down the same path Aeris went. DJ walked slowly so that he had no chance of catching up to her. "This path is familiar… yes, it's near where Cloud jumps onto the train… I always wanted to try that! Anyway, it looks like my dream's unfolding… yeah, what I played before is now playing me! I must be in Final Fan-"  
  
"Hey! Quit talking to yourself, ya frickin' lunatic!" DJ turned to see who called that. It was one of the Shinra Soldiers that usually fought Cloud. DJ always selected 'Fight them!' so, he picked up a nearby plank of wood, walked by as though nothing could happen and swung the plank around him, hitting the soldier across the head and rendering him unconscious. Everyone in the vicinity stopped and stared at DJ and the soldier. 'Well, that's got me some attention…' DJ thought. Expecting more trouble, he grabbed the soldier's gun, fled for the tunnel and jumped onto the roof to the Sector 7 train.  
  
DJ decided to wait until the train arrived at Sector 7 before getting off the roof. When it did arrive, he couldn't even move before being prompted by the station master. "Hey! Get off the dang roof!" he called. Thinking he may as well, as he was going to anyway, DJ back flipped off the roof and landed perfectly on his feet, only to fail to prevent the momentum from sending him backwards to the floor.  
  
"Hey, DJ! What the Hell happened to you?! How'd you get there!?" Biggs asked as he got off the train. 'Biggs?' DJ thought. 'How does he know me?' A fat, shorter man stepped off the train next. 'Wedge?' Jessie was next, then Barrett… or was it!? It seemed like Barrett, except for a few noticeable differences. Blond hair, no facial hair, not as muscled, and as a main difference, he was white. In fact, he looked a lot like DJ's best friend…  
  
"Shane!" DJ called. 'But how is he here?' he started to think. 'Of course! Shane Barrett! Big, giant duh!'  
  
"DJ, we all thought you were killed!" Shane exclaimed. "How'd you get here anyway? Did you create another explosion and get flung all the way to this sector?" DJ had no idea what was going on, and by the time he had got to his feet, Shane was already giving his speech to AVALANCHE. "Don't be scared of that explosion… 'cos the next one will be bigger than that!" DJ knew this was familiar. He followed everybody to the 7th Heaven where you first see Tifa. Of course, since he was here, and Shane was here, DJ wasn't expecting to see Tifa. Of course! Whenever he played Final Fantasy 7, DJ had always named Cloud as DJ, and Barret as Shane, so he was starting to get a good idea of who Tifa would be…  
  
"Papa!" little Marlene called as she nearly ran into DJ, then ran to the corner. An older girl, about 16, walked over to her.  
  
"Marlene! Aren't you going to say anything to DJ?" she asked. DJ took a look at the girl as she turned around. Black hair to her shoulders, gold eyes, unimaginably massive breasts (44MM, to be exact). DJ was right. It was Amy! "Welcome home, DJ. Looks like everything went well…" she said. And things generally progressed from there. DJ still wasn't sure of his purpose here, but he'd have some clues after the outcome of a certain mission he was about to face…  
  
Many hours later, as DJ gave the Airbuster a devastating slash with his new sword, the giant robot exploded, leaving DJ hanging onto the ledge of a platform for dear life.  
  
"DJ!" Amy called.  
  
"The place is gonna blow! Come on, Amy!" Shane told her. Amy was concentrating on DJ.  
  
"Shane, can't you do anything?" she asked.  
  
"Not a damn thing." Shane replied.  
  
"DJ, please don't die! You can't die! There's still so much I wanna tell you!" DJ stared into Amy's eyes. 'Geez, Sephiroth was right about the alteration stuff. Amy's acting just like Tifa!'  
  
"I know Amy…" DJ said. He had also remembered Sephiroth saying if he played his cards right, nothing should go out of the ordinary.  
  
"Dude, you gonna be OK?" Shane asked. DJ knew he had to be strong, but it didn't look like he could hold on for much longer…  
  
"Shit! Can't hold on for long!" DJ called. "Shane, hurry!" Shane looked kind of disappointed.  
  
"Don't go crying like a woman…" he started.  
  
"Hey!!" Amy cried.  
  
"Sorry. OK, hold on…" but before Shane could do anything, the ledge creaked and slanted, causing DJ to lose grip. Amy tried calling out for him, but the shock was too great to let any sound leave her throat. Shane pulled on Amy's arm, indicating to her that it was the right time to leave. The strangest thing was, DJ didn't seem a bit scared of what was going on…  
  
"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!"  
  
4 Chapter Three  
  
"Hello, hello!"  
  
DJ weakly opened his eyes. His surroundings seemed out of focus, and he felt like he was about to sneeze. DJ rubbed his eyes, and his vision started to sharpen until it was back to normal.  
  
"Are you all right?" a high-pitched voice asked. 'Oh, no.' DJ thought. 'This can not be happening to me.' He looked up to see the "lovely" Aeris again. Of course, Aeris hadn't changed, since DJ never bothered to name her. Aeris was gazing at DJ now. It was starting to scare him.  
  
"………Zack?" she asked.  
  
"No." DJ replied. "The name's DJ…" Aeris giggled.  
  
"That's the one! How've you been?" DJ cringed. He sure didn't remember THIS in the game. What was her problem? Why was Aeris hugging him? Didn't she realise how much he hated her? That's when it hit him. DJ was in a horrible, horrible world. This was not Squaresoft's Final Fantasy; it was Sephiroth's…  
  
After their meeting in the church, DJ and Aeris' misadventures continued. She had bragged so much to him about growing up in the slums and being used to danger, yet DJ had to spring her out of every trick and trap she fell into. Why should an Anti-Aeris bother with this, you ask? Let's take a glimpse of the first issue…  
  
"The prostitute is getting away! Attack! Attack! Attack!!" Reno called as his Shinra troop started shooting. Aeris slipped and started sliding down a pillar, which seemed to have fallen from the church wall.  
  
"Aeris!" DJ called, sarcastically. He well and truly didn't give a crap. The soldiers started surrounding the exits and advancing on Aeris. This made a change; rather than her advancing on the guys, the guys were advancing on her! But this wasn't for any sucky-sucky!  
  
"DJ, help!" Aeris cried. DJ started running up to the rafters, where he could see some barrels.  
  
"Aeris, hold on a minute!" he called. DJ ran straight for a hole in the roof and attempted his getaway. As soon as he stepped outside, however, an overwhelming pain swarmed over his whole body. "AAAAAAAAGH!!! What the Hell is this!?" DJ had never felt so much pain in his life! Not even falling into molten lava, being frozen at the bottom of the Antarctic Ocean and then thrown into a pungee pit could measure up to this. Death would be a blessed release! DJ staggered back into the church, collapsing from the pain. Of course, now that he was back in the area, the pain had discontinued. DJ got back up, and threw a barrel at the guards, knowing that if he allowed them to hurt Aeris, he may feel indescribable pain himself.  
  
"Thanks, DJ!" Aeris called, smiling. DJ mimicked barfing as she ran up to meet him.  
  
DJ was wondering why he had to be Aeris' bodyguard of all things while he was on the boat to Costa Del Sol. He had recently met up with Cookie, his dog, who replaced Red XIII, and his cousin, Lisa Herworth, who was at this point feeling very seasick. DJ didn't know if Lisa was really seasick or not, but she was taking after Yuffie. "Ugh… this is why… I hate ships." Lisa moaned. "DJ… do you have any Tranquillisers?" DJ checked his item bag and picked out some tranquillisers for Lisa.  
  
"Here, use this…" he said.  
  
"Thanks." Lisa smiled. Her smile was beautiful, not like Aeris'. "Gross, this is bitter…" DJ couldn't help but agree. He didn't like the taste of Tranquillisers any more than his cousin did. Mind you, he'd favour a Tranquilliser's bitter taste over the taste of Aeris' lipstick any day.  
  
"Alert! A suspicious character has been found on board! Those not on detail, search the ship! Repeat, a suspicious character has been found on board! Those not on detail, search the ship!" DJ looked around.  
  
"Damn it, is Aeris selling her body again?" he asked. Lisa giggled a bit before feeling sick again.  
  
"Why couldn't I be a character with a stronger stomach?" she asked.  
  
After searching everywhere (and finding a new weapon for Lisa) DJ, Amy and Lisa found Sephiroth.  
  
"OK, Sephiroth, what's the deal?!" DJ exclaimed. "Why have you brought us here, why have you made that bitch fall in love with me, and why is Lisa seasick!?" Sephiroth just stared.  
  
"After a long sleep…… the time…. Time is now…"  
  
"Hey, now don't start THAT again!" Before DJ could say any more, Sephiroth flew away, leaving a piece of Jenova's arm to mutate into Jenova- BIRTH. The fight had just begun.  
  
"Whoa! Why is everything going blurry!?" Lisa cried.  
  
"And what's with the music?" Amy asked. DJ knew what was going on.  
  
"Must be a fight." He said. "Hopefully we should still have our own abilities." Luck seemed to be on DJ's side, as despite Jenova-BIRTH being ugly as the worst sin, when he selected Attack, he could choose well over thirty! DJ could attack with his weapon, or use one of his 30+ special abilities. You could guess which way he was leaning. "Fury Static Attack!" DJ's hair started glowing a very bright blue and he kept moving his hands back and forth, his palms facing Jenova. Each time his palm was sent forward, a blast of electricity shot from it at Jenova. This continued until he had shot it 50 times. "Your turn, Amy." He said.  
  
"Umm, OK." Amy replied. She wasn't too much with fighting, but she did have some useful abilities. "Hydro Pump Attack!"  
  
"Amy… this is Final Fantasy… not Pokémon." DJ said.  
  
"Oops. Hee-hee. Sorry! Mizu Tsunami!" At that moment, a huge tidal wave swept the entire battlefield, yet by some miracle, only Jenova was hurt.  
  
"Oh, Gawd! How long does this thing take to kill!?" Lisa cried. She was clearly sick of this thing. DJ and Amy could see that as Lisa climbed upon Jenova's back, summoned all her strength and pulled Jenova's ugly head off! Jenova disintegrated into a bunch of polygons and faded away. After celebrating, levelling up a few times and getting drunk, DJ and the girls headed back to the deck of the ship. As soon as DJ sat down a pair of arms wrapped around his waist. There would be no prizes handed out for guessing whose arms they were…  
  
"Aeris…" DJ moaned.  
  
"Yay! DJ beat the monster! He's so strong and brave!" Aeris tightened her grip.  
  
"…..please lemme go." DJ said. Aeris still kept hugging DJ. Needless to say, Amy and Lisa didn't look too happy. Neither did DJ.  
  
"DJ, don't you just love cruising across the ocean?" she asked.  
  
"No. Not at all." Lisa moaned, hanging the upper half of her body over the edge of the deck, as if waiting for the barf to happen. "Wish I coulda been Tifa…"  
  
"Oh, Lisa, you know you don't have the breasts for Tifa's part," Amy boasted. This was very unusual, as Amy never boasted about her breasts. DJ looked at Aeris. He knew exactly what he wanted to say to her.  
  
"…..please lemme go." DJ said. The next sight was unbelievable. Amy was actually smirking!  
  
"Aww, we'll put you to bed as soon as we get to Costa Del Sol. Then you can relax and forget about being sick…" she said.  
  
"Shut up, Amy…" Lisa moaned. A lot of the time, Lisa was teasing Amy about having "meatballs" in her hair and breasts around the size of over- inflated beach balls. Now it was Amy's turn to get back at her!  
  
"They argue WAY too much," Aeris said. "What you need is a sweet, innocent girl… like me!" Aeris smiled at DJ.  
  
"…..please lemme go." DJ said.  
  
"DJ, you know you love me." Aeris sighed.  
  
"…..please lemme go." DJ said.  
  
"You told me yourself that you love me…" Aeris sighed.  
  
"…..please lemme go." DJ said.  
  
"You told me there's no other type of girl for you… you could just stare into my eyes and hold me for all eternity…" Aeris sighed.  
  
"…..please lemme go." DJ said.  
  
"And you don't even mind about the size of my breasts…" Aeris sighed.  
  
"What breasts?" Amy and Lisa asked each other.  
  
"I'd say she's got a LOT to learn about DJ…" Shane said. Shane was kind of pissed off because he hadn't said much in this whole fanfic, but I would make it up to him, I promise. DJ, on the other hand, had his next line all set out and ready for him to say as the boat prepared to pull into the Costa Del Sol dock.  
  
"…..please lemme go." DJ said.  
  
5 Chapter Four  
  
By this time DJ and the gang (unfortunately, including Aeris) were at the Gold Saucer. Shane was still pissed off because he's hardly said anything. Little did he know, he was about to do what DJ had wanted to do for a long time: yell at Aeris.  
  
"Hey, lighten up! We're here to have fun! Don't be such a sour puss!" Aeris said to Shane.  
  
"Wait a sec… were they her exact words, or not?" DJ asked himself. "Maybe Sephiroth's losing it?" Aeris ran back and grabbed DJ's arm.  
  
"Come on, let's go!" Aeris squealed in excitement.  
  
"…..please lemme go." DJ said. Amy tapped on Aeris' shoulder.  
  
"Don't you think you're acting kind of cold?" she asked. Aeris stared into Amy's huge gold eyes for a few seconds.  
  
"Just act natural when this happens." She replied. Aeris walked up to Shane again. "We're gonna go play…" Shane really blew a gasket…  
  
"So PLAY! Mess around all ya want, bitch!" he shouted. "Don't forget we're after Sephiroth!" it was loud enough for the whole Gold Saucer to hear. With that, Shane headed down the pipe to the Battle Square.  
  
"Damn, you sure know how to piss a guy off!" Cookie barked.  
  
"Amy, Lisa, do ya wanna go check out the Arcades?" DJ asked. Before either of them could answer, Aeris jumped in front of DJ.  
  
"Oh, DJ, I'd LOVE to!" Aeris pushed DJ down the tube and jumped in after him.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" DJ screamed. There was puzzlement throughout everyone left around the tube where DJ disappeared. The busty, shy young babe, the wild and strong-willed young babe, and their pet dog.  
  
"Should we go after them?" Amy asked. "DJ could be in danger!"  
  
"Your balloon breasts would never fit in there!" Lisa laughed. Amy just crossed her arms and glared at Lisa.  
  
"You're mean sometimes, you know…" she sighed.  
  
After landing harshly on the floor, DJ thought about getting up. Of course, the floor was nothing compared to Aeris landing on top of him! 'Ow! Geez, her limbs are so bony!' DJ thought.  
  
"Hee-hee-hee! My favourite way of spending time with you…" Aeris sighed, as she reached for the zip on DJ's jeans. He instantly pushed her away and stood up.  
  
"Don't you even think about THINKING about doing that!" he cried.  
  
"Hey, buddy! Need a fortune?" asked a small, black cat, sat atop a gigantic stuffed Moogle.  
  
"Oh. Hi, Cait Sith." DJ replied. "You seen Sephiroth?"  
  
"Hold on, lemme sort out a fortune for ya. Maybe it'll help?" Cait Sith commanded his Moogle to do a Moogle Dance. DJ didn't know whether to expect the same fortunes as in Final Fantasy, or completely different ones devised by Sephiroth. Cait Sith gave DJ a card. DJ proceeded to read it.  
  
"Great things come in small packages…" DJ read. "Sometime this Summer you'll receive a present. Remove the ring and wait a few seconds and you'll have an EXPLOSIVE time! What!?" DJ sure wasn't expecting a grenade in the mail.  
  
"Oops! Lemme try again…" Cait Sith apologised. He did a Moogle dance and handed DJ another card.  
  
"Beware of forgetfulness. Your lucky colour is… PINK!?"  
  
"Just like my dress!" Aeris squealed. She fluttered her eyelashes at DJ, who backed away slowly.  
  
"Sod off." He said. "Sod off, Aeris… I don't want you so near to me!"  
  
"Aww, my poor DJ, lost in his own urges. You don't realise how much you want me…" DJ pushed Aeris out of the way and looked at Cait Sith.  
  
"Gimme one more try!" the cat said. He did a faster Moogle dance and handed DJ yet another card. DJ read the card.  
  
"What's THIS? When you and your friends all see red, that's when your journey is complete." DJ had no idea what this meant. Cait Sith was baffled as he never got something like this, and Aeris was such a frigging airhead that she wouldn't understand if she tried.  
  
"If I don't find out what this means, I'll go crazy! Can I go with you?" Cait Sith asked.  
  
"Yeah, sure." DJ said. "Oh, and if you can find missing people, could you find a busty girl with gold eyes, a girl with a flame on the end of her ponytail, and a black and white daft dog, please?"  
  
Things continued from there, and now DJ had just obtained the Keystone from his second time at the Gold Saucer. Unfortunately, the cable car had broken down, so DJ, Amy, Shane, Lisa, Cookie, Cait Sith AND Aeris were staying at the spooky hotel with their newest addition to the team: Darren Alderton. As you've probably guessed, Darren was in the place of Cid. DJ was just chilling in his room, when he heard a knock at the door. 'Hey! What if it's Amy, or Lisa?' DJ thought. He spilled into a smart looking suit with a bow- tie and opened the door, hoping to greet either Amy or Lisa.  
  
No such luck.  
  
"Aww, you look so adorable in that suit!" Aeris squealed. DJ sat on his bed, looking a little disappointed. "How about we go on a date?"  
  
"What?!" DJ cried. Aeris advanced towards DJ, pressing her A-cup breasts into his face. DJ tried his best to push her away, but his strength was drained from having to fight in Battle Square to get the Keystone.  
  
"A DATE!" Aeris repeated. "Or have you never been on one?" Before DJ could answer, Aeris had pulled him to his feet, and was leading him out of the door.  
  
"H-Hey, what are you doing!?" DJ asked.  
  
"Come on! We'll have LOTS of fun!" Aeris giggled as she pushed DJ along the corridor. As DJ was led along the corridor, he heard knocking against the doors to Amy's room and Lisa's room. He also noticed that somebody had boarded them up. 'Gawd, Aeris is such a bitch…' DJ thought.  
  
Now what was DJ going to do? He was stuck on the Gondola ride with the LAST possible person he'd want to be with. Aeris was smiling (again), staring into DJ's eyes. DJ would feel rather silly unless he said something…  
  
"Aeris…" DJ started.  
  
"Yes?" Aeris asked, fluttering her eyelashes.  
  
"Did I ever tell you… that pink…. Is my least favourite colour?" Of course, it wasn't really. DJ's least favourite colour was Maroon.  
  
"Oh, DJ. You say the sweetest things…" Aeris was still staring into DJ's eyes. 'Oh, dear God…' DJ thought. 'What could I possibly have done to deserve THIS kind of torture?' "Oh, DJ! Look over there!" DJ looked. After all, he had to get his eyes off Aeris, otherwise he'd have nightmares. DJ caught sight of the Chocobo Races. A Gold Chocobo was in first place, a black one in second, a blue Chocobo battling a green one for third place, and a few yellows bringing up the rear. Suddenly, with a few creaks and bumps, the Gondola Car broke down.  
  
"We are terribly sorry for any inconvenience caused by this technical difficulty, but we will try to fix it as soon as possible." A voice said over the intercom. Aeris grabbed DJ again.  
  
"Waaagh! I'm so scared! DJ, help me!!" she screamed.  
  
"Y'know, I thought you were used to danger?" DJ said. "The least you could do is show a little backbone…"  
  
"But I feel so safe around you, DJ…" Aeris sighed. DJ just stared out of the window. It would be a very long time before this was fixed, he could tell. He looked back at Aeris, who was hugging him tightly.  
  
"…..please lemme go." DJ said.  
  
6 Chapter Five  
  
"So, this is the place, is it?" DJ asked as the group of friends (and Aeris) stood outside the Temple of the Ancients.  
  
"That place looks weird…" Lisa said. "I'm not going in…"  
  
"Well, WE are!" Aeris replied. DJ took a step back.  
  
"Umm… who's 'we'?" he asked. If you've really paid attention to how Sephiroth's planned this, you'll know that DJ was asking a rhetorical question. Before DJ knew it, Aeris had grabbed his arm and was pulling him up the stairs.  
  
"…..please lemme go." DJ said. Amy tried to follow, but Aeris shook her head.  
  
"Amy, I don't mean to sound rude, but I wanna be alone with DJ, so keep your big tits out of our business!" Aeris snapped. Well, she sure made her point.  
  
"If that's her when she DOESN'T mean to be rude, what's the little hussy like when she DOES mean to be rude?" Amy asked.  
  
"Something tells me we don't wanna know…" replied Lisa. "Cait Sith, you follow them…" Cait Sith stepped back, getting an Anime sweatdrop.  
  
"Me!? Why me!?" He asked.  
  
"Because you were a good enough spy when we found you and you took the damned Keystone, so you can be just as good a spy making sure that hyperactive BITCH doesn't do anything to poor DJ!" Amy cried. It was very unusual for Amy to get mad. If you could get grades for hating, Amy would get F minus. But when there's a cleavage-showing, hyperactive, pink- wearing, sluttish 22-year-old on a permanent sugar high after the guy she loved Amy knew she needed to take a stand.  
  
After fighting many a monster and trying to break free of Aeris' grip, DJ reached the exit of the Temple, after learning the secret of the Black Materia. "Hey, cat…" Aeris started.  
  
"Err, it's Cait." Cait Sith replied. "Cait Sith."  
  
"Whatever. You can tell fortunes, right?"  
  
"Well… yeah…" Aeris' eyes suddenly lit up with excitement.  
  
"Tell me how compatible DJ and I are!" she squealed excitedly. DJ could have puked. The last thing he wanted to know was how compatible he was with this abomination that Squaresoft seemed to call Aeris Gainsborough.  
  
"Well, …" Cait Sith started. He suddenly noticed a turtle-like monster materialising through the wall. "Maybe another time…. We've got company!!" Aeris looked disgusted.  
  
"I said do it, so DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!!!!" She screamed.  
  
"But that monster's gonna kill us!" Cait Sith cried.  
  
"DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!" Aeris kept shouting.  
  
"OK, OK, Geez!" Cait Sith made his Moogle do the little Moogle dance. After he took the card, the Demon Gate took it, and ate it.  
  
"HEY!!!" Aeris screamed. "That card tells how compatible I am with my sweet DJ!!" DJ hated the sound of that. 'Since when did I belong to her?' he thought. "Wait a sec…" Aeris said. "It's a monster! WAAAAAAAAAGH! DJ, HELP ME!!!" Aeris hid behind DJ. Looks like he was doing all the work again. Taking his sword, he sliced between the Demon Gate's eyes, pierced its brain and caused it to, umm…. Stop living. After the usual polygonal disintegrating, the card it swallowed fell to the ground. Cait Sith picked it up.  
  
"Now to read the compatibility… oh, man… I-I can't say it… poor Amy…"  
  
"What is it?" DJ asked, sympathetically.  
  
"…poor Lisa…" Cait Sith continued.  
  
"What is it?" Aeris asked, elatedly.  
  
"…and most of all, poor DJ…"  
  
"WHAT IS IT!?" DJ and Aeris screamed. Cait figured he'd better hurry.  
  
"You two are perfect for each other! Aeris is Star and DJ is Star. You're a perfect match!"  
  
"Isn't that wonderful, DJ?" Aeris asked, fluttering her eyelashes.  
  
6.1 Meanwhile, outside…  
  
Amy, Lisa, Shane, Cookie and Darren were playing Strip Poker outside the temple. It seemed like everybody wanted Amy and Lisa to lose all their clothes… that's why they were the only ones winning.  
  
"I am definitely NOT betting my boxer shorts!" Shane protested. "They're all I have left!"  
  
"Yeah, it's f&£@$*% freezing out here!" Darren cried. "Can't we play a different game?"  
  
"Hey, who challenged who, pervert?" Lisa asked.  
  
"Never mind." Darren said. Suddenly, everyone heard DJ's voice cry: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Lisa stood up.  
  
"That sounded like DJ!" She announced. "Something must be terribly wrong!"  
  
"DJ! Oh, no! I'll save you!" Amy cried. She stood up so fast that she put no thought into what she was doing and her breasts sent Lisa flying to the floor!  
  
"Hey, watch where you bounce those things, Bustzilla!" Lisa snapped. DJ came running out of the temple, with Aeris clinging on to him.  
  
"Get her away from me!!!" DJ cried. Amy and Lisa tried pulling DJ towards them while Shane, Darren and Cookie tried pulling Aeris away from him. Everyone suddenly stopped and stared as the temple gradually shrank. DJ climbed down the side of the pit that was left and collected the Black Materia. "OK! We've secured the bastard! Aeris, your usefulness has ended. Will you kindly piss off back to where you came from?"  
  
"But DJ, the Final Fantasy 7 instruction manual says my birthplace is unknown…" Aeris said, fluttering her eyelashes again.  
  
"You bitch!" Lisa cried. "I was gonna say something BRILLIANT just then! And now you've stolen my moment! You cow!" DJ wanted Lisa to have her say. After all, she was important to him. Amy was important to him. Shane, Darren and Cookie were important to him. Even Cait Sith, whom he hardly even knew, had been important to him. Aeris wasn't.  
  
"Lisa, what did you wanna say?" DJ asked.  
  
"I was about to say that if Aeris went back to where she came from, her mother wouldn't be too pleased!" Aeris looked very disgruntled.  
  
"You insensitive jerk! My mother died, remember?!" she shrieked. "I can't believe I once wanted to be friends with someone like you! You awful scumbag!" Lisa just stared.  
  
"Geez, she sure killed the fun in THAT pun…" she said. "Besides, what's the big deal? She's just a computer game character. We were sucked in here, interrupted from whatever we were doing…" Amy realised something from there.  
  
7 Chapter Six  
  
"Hey, Lisa, what WERE we doing before being entered in here?" she asked.  
  
"Well, I was taking a bath, so it's a good thing I materialised in Yuffie's clothes." Lisa replied. "How about you?"  
  
"DJ was telling me something. He was in the middle of a sentence, then I found myself working behind a bar with some guy staring at my chest. Then I bumped him off."  
  
"You killed him?"  
  
"Nah. I turned to serve another customer and I accidentally bumped into him with my breasts. He fell off his stool and was dragged out by the cops." Amy and Lisa giggled. DJ was climbing back up the wall.  
  
"I know how it feels," DJ added. "I was telling Amy how important she and the other RocketGirls are to me, and I found myself in front of Aeris!" DJ froze. 'So THAT'S it!' he thought. 'Aeris thought I was saying all that stuff to her! Damn, how do I get myself into these predicaments!?' DJ's line of thought was cut off when the sky turned black.  
  
"Now what?" Amy asked.  
  
"You have done well, Rocket Air…" Sephiroth's voice boomed. "Now, hand over the Black Materia!" DJ knew what was going on now. The message at the start, the fortune card. It was all making sense. Sephiroth said "…only one part will be open to you…" which meant he must have been referring to the first disc, and Cait Sith's fortune said "When you and your friends all see red, that's when your journey is complete". If DJ gave Sephiroth the Black Materia, he'd go off and do his business with it, Aeris would pray at the City of the Ancients, Sephiroth would kill her in front of everybody, and (possibly after killing Jenova-LIFE) they could all go home, DJ would be Cloud again, Amy would be Tifa, Shane would be Barret, and so on, so that the original Final Fantasy characters could deal with the problem there, and DJ and his friends could get back to normal!  
  
"Take the damn thing!" DJ called, throwing the Black Materia to Sephiroth.  
  
"Who's a good boy, then?" Sephiroth said. With that, he flew away, causing a flash of light and sending DJ unconscious…  
  
DJ awoke in a mysterious forest. He hadn't seen anywhere like this place before. All he could see in the background was a blue, flashing light. 'Heh. At least I can't see any pink!' DJ thought.  
  
Thought too soon.  
  
DJ could only let his mouth hang open in untainted horror as Aeris floated down from one of the trees.  
  
"What is it with you!?" DJ screamed. "Can't you see that I'm not in love with you?!" Aeris smiled.  
  
"Yes, you are. You just have one of those immature-little-boy ways of showing it. How cute!" Aeris suddenly took on a serious tone. "DJ, Sephiroth's planning on using the Black Materia to summon Meteor… he wants to gather up all the spirit energy the planet will use to heal the wound… DJ? You can't just sit there…" Just sitting there was all DJ wanted to do. He couldn't take it. Everywhere he went, this woman would be right next to him. Why couldn't he have been Cid, or Barrett, or Vincent?… That was a point. Where was Vincent? Of course. DJ couldn't remember how to find him. "Don't worry… I'll be coming back when it's all over…" Aeris said as she ran deep into the woods. DJ stood up. He knew what he wanted to do.  
  
"Think what you want, slut!" he said aloud as he picked up his sword. "But you're NOT gonna be back! And even if you do come back, we'll be back in Tokyo! I'll let the REAL Cloud handle you!"  
  
DJ awoke weakly. He had no idea where he was. He knew that if he went to Bone Village, he could find (and kill) Aeris. Of course, he was in the Tiny Bronco. He looked around. Amy and Lisa were next to him. Aeris, however, was not. 'Thank God…' DJ thought.  
  
"Hi, girls…" DJ said.  
  
"Hi, DJ!" Amy and Lisa replied.  
  
"Boy, am I glad it's not Aeris…" DJ sighed. "If I had to see her again, I'd-"  
  
"That's the bad part, DJ…" Lisa said, sadly. "Cait Sith and Darren insist on us going to find her."  
  
"Yeah, we gotta hurry before something bad happens to her!" Darren called from the front.  
  
"Yes, oh yes." DJ said. "I just couldn't cope if anything BAD happened to poor Aeris, who is so innocent and caring and loving and is such a SLUT! Did you guys ever see how many of the Shinra guys had flowers that Aeris sells? I bet she sells them a flower, then sells them her body!"  
  
"DJ, calm down!" Cookie barked.  
  
"Yeah, you're gonna scare Cait Sith." Shane added.  
  
"Huh?" Cait Sith asked. Amy stroked DJ's hair.  
  
"It'll be OK, DJ…" Amy said, softly. "Tell me what happened…"  
  
"…..the bitch came into my room the other night… after boarding your rooms up…" DJ stammered. "a-a-and she… she…"  
  
"What did she do, DJ?" Lisa asked.  
  
"…………she pushed her breasts into my face…" Amy hugged DJ as he finished this.  
  
"Aww, you must have felt so scared…" Amy sighed.  
  
"Scared of breasts?" DJ asked. "I was scared of what Aeris might have done to me if she'd reached for my pants while my guard was down! She's tried that before…"  
  
"Hey, we're here!" Darren announced. Everyone was basically kicked out of the Tiny Bronco by Darren, who casually climbed out afterwards.  
  
8 Chapter Seven  
  
Things had progressed like they normally would in Final Fantasy. DJ had found the indestructible fish AND the beds, but he couldn't sleep. He tried different positions, different locations, even sleeping on the ceiling! Nothing worked. He still hadn't found Aeris. If only he could find her. If only he could remove the risk of her sneaking into his bed as he slept. DJ tried closing his eyes. He could hear footsteps in front of him. They were close. VERY close. Whoever was here was so close DJ could practically taste him. Her, rather. DJ opened his eyes as he figure climbed into his bed.  
  
"A-Aeris?" he asked with a frightened voice.  
  
"Nope." A cheery, yet sexy voice answered. "It's me." DJ knew he was being hugged now. He recognised who was hugging him, by feeling as well as the sound of her voice.  
  
"Amy!" DJ hugged back. "For a moment there, I thought I was in big trouble!"  
  
"I'm not so sure that we're not…" Amy replied. "We'll have to go and look for Aeris soon… I just wanted some time alone with you before we left."  
  
"Oh. OK!" DJ agreed. "So, what's up?" Amy stared into DJ's eyes.  
  
"It's kinda important to me…" Amy started. "Can you… can you remember what you were saying… before this happened?" DJ wasn't sure what he could remember in this reality. But he knew he had to try his best. After all, he'd do anything for Amy.  
  
"I… I think I can remember…" he said. "No, in fact, I know I can. You asked if I was seeing another woman, one that isn't a RocketGirl. Then I said:  
  
"Amy, Sephiroth's a guy. Besides, I love all of you, you know that I'll always love you. There's absolutely no other type of girl for me. In fact, sticking to the subject. I could just stand here, stare into your beautiful big eyes and hold you for all eternity! I know some people complain about your breast size, and I don't mean to be a perv, but Hell, I like 'em!" Amy smiled and gazed into DJ's eyes.  
  
"You must have built up a lot of confidence to mention my breasts…" she sighed. "You're so cute…" Amy locked her lips onto DJ's in a hot, passionate kiss. "Come on. If we don't find Aeris, we might not know how to get home."  
  
"OK." DJ replied. Then he remember what he had to do. Before heading out of the hut, he picked up the Dragon Slayer, a sword that's 15 feet long.  
  
DJ, Amy, Lisa, Shane, Darren, Cait Sith and Cookie were now deep in the City of the Ancients. An altar stood in the middle of a huge area, all lit up in blue. Aeris was on the altar, praying. She had already prayed for Meteor to be stopped, so her MASTER special Materia was glowing a pale green. Now she was trying out a special Materia born from her MASTER level Materia.  
  
"Let's go. Quietly." DJ commanded. Everyone walked slowly to where Aeris was praying. DJ could practically hear what Aeris was praying for. 'I want DJ Morris to marry me…' the high-pitched, blood-curdling voice scraped through his mind. DJ could take no more. He had to end it, NOW. DJ was now on the same platform as Aeris, when he looked up and saw Sephiroth hurtling towards Aeris, his Masamune blade ready to strike through the back of her. DJ stared at Sephiroth with fire in his eyes. He wasn't going to let this happen. With one mighty, well-timed swing, DJ sent Sephiroth flying into the water, before the Masamune could even reach Aeris' hair. Aeris opened her eyes to see what had happened.  
  
"It's a miracle…" Aeris sighed. "DJ came to rescue me!" She wrapped her arms around DJ, holding him tightly.  
  
"…..please lemme go." DJ said. Sephiroth clambered out of the water.  
  
"Why!?" he snarled. "Why do you want her to live!?" DJ looked at Sephiroth.  
  
"Sorry, Sephy. This one's on me!" DJ replied.  
  
"Don't call me Sephy!" Sephiroth snapped. DJ's friends must have misheard this nickname…  
  
"Sophie?!" Amy asked.  
  
"Nah, his name's Selphie…" Lisa replied.  
  
"Selphie!?" Shane asked. "That's a girl's name! He said Jeffy!"  
  
"It sounded kinda Silly to me…" Cookie barked.  
  
"ENOUGH!!!" Sephiroth boomed. "Right, because of the insolence of your friends, I am going to give you the worst punishment in the world… EVER! DJ, you and Aeris are getting married!"  
  
"Yippee!!" Aeris screamed. DJ was smiling. 'I could use this to my advantage…' he thought.  
  
"Why are you smiling, DJ!?" Sephiroth demanded. "This is a punishment! You now belong to Aeris! You are hers!"  
  
"…….I know." DJ said, in a chilled manner.  
  
"To have and to hold…" Sephiroth added.  
  
"To hold wherever I want to! Tee-hee!" Aeris giggled.  
  
"…….I know." DJ said, in a chilled manner.  
  
"For richer, for poorer, for better, for worse…" Sephiroth continued.  
  
"…….I know." DJ said, in a chilled manner.  
  
"What's DJ up to?" asked Amy.  
  
"No need to worry, meatball Head." Lisa smirked. "If I know my cousin DJ, he's got a fool-proof plan to get us outta this mess!" Well, if Lisa was right, the plan had better come into motion soon! Sephiroth had nearly finished the speech!  
  
"…in sickness, and in health, for as long as you both shall live…" Sephiroth continued.  
  
"Ooh! Ooh!" Aeris jumped up and down, all pink and giggly. "'til death do us part?" Sephiroth grinned.  
  
"Of course. How could I forget?" Sephiroth glared at DJ. " 'til death do you part!" DJ grinned back, grabbed the Dragon Slayer and swung its mighty blade over his head, on a collision course with Aeris.  
  
"Music to my ears!" DJ called, triumphantly.  
  
9 Chapter Eight  
  
Over a dozen shocked eyes stared straight at the Altar where DJ, Sephiroth and Aeris were. With one adroit swing of the Dragon Slayer, the almighty 15- foot-long blade, DJ had not only sliced the roof of the Altar in half, he had also done the same to Aeris! Blood poured from both halves, creating a pool of blood on the floor. The newborn Materia fell from her hair, on a collision course with the top step.  
  
"Not this time!" DJ called as he kicked the Materia into one of the buildings. Sephiroth had no idea what to say.  
  
"Well…" he started. "To be quite honest, DJ, I am rather impressed! I couldn't have done better, or bloodier, myself!"  
  
"Cool!" DJ called out. "Now can we go home?" Sephiroth started floating again, leaving DJ and friends to fight Jenova-LIFE.  
  
"If you survive…" he replied.  
  
DJ wasn't letting Aeris' death theme music play in this one. He got the biggest Ghetto Blaster he could find and blasted F-Zero X's Sand Ocean theme through the speakers at full blast! Starting things off with Aqualung, Jenova did a good job damaging just about everybody… except for Amy, of course. She was a Water-type RocketGirl. Being a Fire-type, Lisa was damaged the most.  
  
"Hey, everyone! I just got a great idea!" Amy announced. "Let's see what Limit Breaks we have to beat this thing!"  
  
"Yeah!" DJ called. "OK, Shane, you go first!" Shane stood up, and Megaman's Powerful Buster weapon materialised on his arm.  
  
"OK! Barrett's Buster Attack!!" Shane charged the Buster to maximum capacity and let rip all of the energy on Jenova. This took off several hundred thousand hit points. But Jenova was still alive! "What!? It should be dead!" Shane called.  
  
"Let me try!" Cookie barked. "Ear-Piercing Bark Attack!" Cookie inhaled as much as he could, then pairs of earmuffs materialised on DJ and his friends. Cookie let out the loudest bark ever, which inflicted 9999hp five times consecutively. Even after this, and the earmuffs dematerialised, Jenova was still alive.  
  
"DJ killed that bitch Aeris!" Lisa called. "What more do you want?!"  
  
"I've got it!" cried Amy. "Sephiroth's specially designed this so that we all have to use our Limits before this thing dies!"  
  
"OK!" Lisa called as she stood up.  
  
"Wait. Your attacks will be too powerful. We need to save them for last to add dramatic effect." Amy said. "Aquanihillation!!!" Amy stood up straight, staring at Jenova. Five circles of water suddenly materialised in front of Amy. Pushing them forth, she created a gigantic water drill that practically impaled Jenova. Still, the bitch lived.  
  
"Now it's MY turn!" DJ announced. "Lisa, why don't we combine our attacks?"  
  
"Good idea!" Lisa replied. "I'll start it off, then you finish it! Armageddon 2 Attack!" Suddenly, Lisa's left arm started glowing. She pointed it up at the ceiling as DJ jumped up high. Lisa pointed her arm at Jenova and wave after wave of powerful meteorites were sent hurtling at Jenova. After the last wave, Lisa stepped back as DJ prepared his final attack.  
  
"The sooner we destroy you, the sooner we can go home! OBLIVION BLADE!" Oblivion Blade? What's that? Well, we'll see. DJ stood up straight in the air, holding the Dragon Slayer high above his head. He then tilted forwards at a 90-degree angle and fell to the floor, the long, shiny, crimson blade aligned with Jenova. The instant the blade hit Jenova, Lisa moved in to catch DJ. This was it. Jenova was finally down and out as the polygons of its former self faded out of sight.  
  
Everyone gathered around the half of Aeris that was left.  
  
"Good riddance." Shane said. "She was waaaaaaaaaaay too whiney." Lisa stared at the carcass and started giggling.  
  
"Lisa, what's the matter?" Amy asked.  
  
"Think about it. It makes more sense this way for her…" Lisa replied.  
  
"How do you mean?" asked an "as-puzzled-as-she-is-busty" Amy.  
  
"Aeris was only half-Cetra anyway!" Lisa replied as she burst out laughing.  
  
"Yeah, now she's QUARTER Cetra!" DJ added, laughing his ass off. In fact, DJ was laughing so hard that he had absolutely no idea what was going on around him…  
  
10 Chapter Nine  
  
"Come on, let's get outta here so we can find out how to get home." DJ said as he nearly walked into his own front door. "Wait a sec-" DJ took a look around. Yep, this was his garden. Cookie was chasing his ball, begging for Lisa to throw it for him. "Sweet! We're back home!" DJ called. "Hey, I wonder what happened to Cait Sith?"  
  
"Ah, let Cloud, Tifa, Barrett and Yuffie handle it!" Lisa replied, cheerfully. "The point is, we no longer have anything to do with that pink, giggly devil thingy!" DJ smiled. Lisa was right. He and his friends were free. No Sephiroth. No Jenova. But most importantly of all, no Aeris! "Hey, where's Titanic Tits?" Lisa asked.  
  
"My name is AMY, and I'm right here!" Amy called from her deck chair. She was sunbathing, taking a drink and chilling out. DJ sat next to her.  
  
"You doing OK, Aimes?" DJ asked. Amy smiled at him.  
  
"Hey, as long as there's no trace of anything pink, giggly, hyperactive and in the business of prostitution, I'm happy!" She replied, cheerfully. "Aeris was clearly nothing but trouble."  
  
"Yeah." DJ took a sip of his Budweiser. "Well, at least she was kinda cute…" Suddenly, everyone froze and stared at DJ, who was still thinking about what was going on. "WHA-!? How did THAT get in my head!? There's no way I just said that!" Amy and Lisa cuddled him.  
  
"Poor DJ…" they both said.  
  
Meanwhile, somewhere in the North Crater, a tall figure with long, silver hair stood with the Jenova-ABSOLUTE monster.  
  
"First Strife-san, and now HIM?" Jenova asked. "Really, Sephiroth… don't you think the puppet system is getting old?"  
  
GAME OVER 


End file.
